Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

9:27 a.m. - 2010-02-13
fiftythree
one week today. my sadness is crafty; it's not a shattering, unrelenting kind of woe that i could acknowledge and retreat into, the kind of deep, hollow depression i may have experienced before. instead it waits around corners for me -- i might see a dandelion, or find a whisker, or even just some creeping memory i'm not yet ready to embrace. my pain leaps upon me at inopportune moments so that i can't cry even though my eyes well up so i feel like i'm watching the world through the glass in a bathroom window. i'm scared to be so fragile about it, to sob and weep like i did the first two days because i don't want to be expected to "get over it" because i think maybe people tolerate a mourner of this kind of loss for a while before they think it is pathetic.

i didn't want to type this in here because this isn't really the place for it -- sunshine yellow for bemused observations or sweet ironies is what this place is for. it's not for the stain of grief. even now i feel it reaching out for me. it's a tumor that grips my heart, a leech that is still until my heart might beat nervously again in hope or pleasure or succour, and then begins to suck again so hard that it expands to fill my entire chest. i think it might burst.

there is no wry punchline here.

[everything reminds me of her :: elliott smith]

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!